They should really pass out barf bags in church
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
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she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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