So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
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Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
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Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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