and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
