i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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