you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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