We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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