why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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