Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
