One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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