Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
