Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize