i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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