Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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