if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
