My sheets look like a crime scene.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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