She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
