I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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