The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
