this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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