I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
