Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
