If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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