i may or may not be watching the land before time
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
