Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
