I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS