Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night