Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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