Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
