god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
