im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
