Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
