I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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