When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
