dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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