I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
