My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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