dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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