Umm I'm too high to move.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
my poor anus
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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