Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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