When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
