He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
