she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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