Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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