She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
