The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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