all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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