He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
