The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
