I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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