You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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