i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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