i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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