This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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