Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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