Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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