Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
