i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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