you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
