literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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