just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
