The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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