doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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