nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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