weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
im on a boat
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