The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have post one night stand depression
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