I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
